Father to Son: A Discussion of Masculinity.

I chose the song "Father to Son" by Cat Steven to headline this post, because I wanted to tackle the theme of masculinity. I could not think of a better way to discuss this topic than to start with the father-son dynamic. I believe that the concerns of a man and his own masculinity materialize in the form of four basic questions: What kind of man is/was my father? What kind of man do I want to be? What kind of husband do I want to be? What kind of man do I want my son to be?

What kind of a man is/was my father? This is the first question because as a boy trying to understand what to do, we look to the men that raise us. My father and I have a complicated relationship. 

In "Father of Mine", Everclear vocalist Arthur Paul "Art" Alexakis, laments the relationship he shared with his father. He describes how his father named him, and spent time with him when he was young, but at age ten left the family behind.

My father did not abandon me in the form of leaving the family, but we did grow further and further apart as I got older. I think he had a vision for me to follow in his footsteps. I recall growing up on our farm playing with plastic animals and toy farm equipment, creating my own miniature farms in our yard when I was young. During this time, he taught me how to count, how to sort objects, and more importantly, he taught me how to work hard and how to make do with what I had. He was the financial provider for the family and probably the hardest working person aside from myself and my mother, that I have ever seen.

However, he also pushed me to far on multiple occasions, and became increasingly violent with me, and increasingly disrespectful of my mother.

My parents divorced when I was 11, and I while my mother worked her way through college, I was a scared young boy in a rougher neighborhood; a housing project in Hastings Nebraska. My father occasionally visited during those times, but rarely. Though I did usually get some kind of acknowledgment from him on my birthday. Eventually I didn't speak to him except to make pleasant at holidays and other major events. 

Today we are working on our relationship, but I still don't understand the man, and I will do a better job raising my own children. Don't get the wrong idea. My father was trying to raise me when he was younger than I am now. I know that I am not ready yet. He wasn't the best father, but he is responsible for my incredible drive to accomplish whatever I set my mind to, and my "never give up" resilient mentality.

What kind of man do I want to be? Some men grow up with a more positive father figure than I had, and choose to follow that route. However, I still think we all think that we all try to improve on our fathers or do something at least a little bit different. 

This is when we turn to outside influences. Though media influence on women is often spotlighted and in my opinion scapegoated. I believe men are just as much influenced by movie stars and musicians, and I believe the importance of that influence is criminally downplayed.

My father was a very big Clint Eastwood fan, and as you can seen in the video above, Eastwood usually played a gruff gunslinger character. My father farms, in part because I think when he is out in the fields, he feels a bit like Clint roaming the wild frontier. My father will also surprise you with a badass one-liner from time to time, and I'm told that as a younger man he knew a thing or two about saloon conduct. BTW the song is "Widowmaker" by WASP. I highly recommend THE LAST COMMAND album.

In contrast, I am more like Spencer Reid (Mathew Grey Gubler) from Criminal Minds. 

Behind a rather gawky appearance lies somebody who is extremely competent and confident. The underestimated cerebral assassin. The kind of man who has the ability to learn anything, and floor you out of nowhere with a creative and elegant solution to a complex problem.

What kind of husband do I want to be? Now that I think about it, this is the same thing as "what kind of boyfriend do I want to be?" This is wear I think masculinity is having a major breakdown right now. There seams to be this disturbing notion lately that a man should be hyper aware of a womans feelings, accept all of her faults unquestioningly, and at the same time repress such masculine desires like watching football on Sundays, expecting an occasional sandwich, and "acting like a brute." The list goes on and on, but you get the idea.

When this guy is a symbol of masculinity in mainstream culture:

Gentlemen, we have been castrated.

EXACTLY, it aint me babe.

Now that's more like it, and I'm going to copy the lyrics for you:

For you...I shall give

We laugh..but no-one's laughing
We kiss..and no-one cares
So we shout..but no-one's listening
So we live..like no-one dares

For you
Well I'll be your soldier
For you
I'll bury friends
For you
Well I'll be your saviour
For you
I'll play and pretend

So we laugh..but no-one's laughing
And we kiss..but no-one cares
So we shout..but no-one's listening
So we live..like no-one dares

For you
Well I'll be your soldier
For you
I'll bury friends
For you
Well I'll be your saviour
For you
I'll play and pretend

For you
Well I'll be your soldier
For you
I'll bury friends
For you
Well I'll be your saviour
For you
I'll play and pretend

So we cry..but now you're laughing
So we hate..but now who cares
So we shout..but now you're listening
So we'll die..and you won't care

For you
Well I'll be your soldier
For you
I'll bury friends
For you
Well I'll be your saviour
For you

In short, I will be the kind of guy who will do anything for my girl, but we are going to live life together. Laugh, cry, and die TOGETHER. I still think that's the all-time most sincere love song. I will give you everything that I have, but I will expect the same in return. That's what speaks to me.

What kind of man do I want my son to be? I was asked in a job interview last year, "what kind of father do you think you will be?" At the time I didn't really have an answer, because it wasn't something that I had really thought about. I tried to make something up at the time, but it wasn't well thought out, and probably cost me the job. Needless to say I thought about a lot afterwards.

I want to raise my son to be creative and curious about the world around him. I want him to understand where he comes from, to be proud of who he is, and to face the world like a warrior. Life is a battle, and the way the future looks right now, it will be more of a battle in the world he will face. I think inside every man is  a warrior of sorts. It is ingrained in a man to fight, protect, and provide for the people close to him.